One year on

The last 12 months have been weird. I met my best friend and she moved in with me. I started a new job and felt supported even as I struggled with things. I went mostly vegetarian. I moved house.

The year was mostly the same as it would have been otherwise, except where it wasn’t.

I think I’ve discovered a lot about myself. I’ve discovered that I don’t really like work, but I do like to be busy. I’ve discovered a growing cynicism about most structures and systems, and my own place in them. I’ve discovered that I love labouring for a mission, and that this last year has felt aimless. I know that we’re not going anywhere, really, and that all direction is pointless. And yet I still desire the direction, I still feel the urge to travel with. I am still lacking purpose.

The joy of rapid delivery work is that the purpose is right there in front of you: you do the thing and then you move on to the next thing. Private Office meant I worked 10 hour days and it was not at all good for me, but I also knew what I was doing, knew why I was doing it. I had a mission. More and more I’m reflecting on the limits of my creativity. I’m not afraid of forging a path, but I want to know what the constraints are, what the vision is. Everything at the moment is very up in the air. I think for the most part that’s our situation – lines of communication are not as good as they used to be, and we’re still adapting to how we get our meaning across at such distance. I’m sure that, before very long, everything will settle down again.

I found I did not get the role I applied for on promotion but I did meet the standard, so I might be randomly offered a role in the near future. That’s…exciting, I suppose. I think what I’m struggling with is that I don’t feel like I’m doing a great job at the moment. I can’t tell if I’m not doing a great job because we’re living in a crisis and I’ve hit a wall, or because this is not something I want to do, or because it’s just not something I’m very good at. And all of this feeds the imposter syndrome, because how can I be considered ready for a promotion and also not be doing very well in my role?

I also wrote last week about my cynicism. I’m cynical because, as far as I can see, a lot of the structure and systems are bad. But worse than that, they don’t require bad people to reproduce. Good, well-intentioned people can propagate bad systems through the terrible crime of doing nothing. How can you deconstruct something when the choice you’re offering people is “hard work” and “do nothing”? And I see this happening all the time: I see it primarily in a world not designed for me, a world where I was recently given an hour-long presentation by a clinician telling me what autism is through stock photos and metaphor. If you were wondering whether metaphor and the implied narratives of stock photos are a good learning tool for autistic people, I would say:

  • generally no

and in my specific case:

  • also no.

And I see it in the burnout of colleagues who go beyond their limits; and in the friends doing the double duty of emotional labour for their partners; and all of this is not committed by cartoonish villains with moustaches and queer-coding so we can tell who to root against. I am cynical about the world, and frankly sometimes that cynicism is the only thing between myself and deep depression.

The challenge – the rightful challenge – from my friend was why on earth I wanted to get into the senior ranks of my organisation when this is my view of it. I don’t know. I honestly don’t. I have an idea that I could, in my small space, in my small way, change things for the better. But maybe I can’t. Maybe these things are just too big to change. Maybe I have to accept that organisations don’t really exist; all that exists is people and society, and organisations change at the same pace – but not the same time – as their context.

This isn’t really a coherent or manageable scope of problem. I can’t change society and I can’t change institutions. I can’t make time run faster or make people believe what I want them to believe. All I can do is change myself, and influence a small group of people. And perhaps they’ll influence more people. Perhaps all we’re doing here is planting acorns to shelter people who haven’t even been born yet.

I’m not happy about this. I’m pissed that the oaks that should be sheltering me were cut down, or never planted in the first place.

I’m also pretty sure I’m in a bit of a depressive funk, because this isn’t my normal state of mind. I know, or at least I’m pretty sure, that there will be sunshine tomorrow. But right now I’m having an off day, and I’m publishing it because I want you – yes, you – to know that other people feel like this sometimes. I’ve been pretty much locked inside for a year, and I’ve had it better than most because – see paragraph one – I met my best friend and she basically moved in with me. If I’d been totally alone I’d have had a lot more days like this.

This year has been weird, and reflecting on how rough it’s been has resulted in this mess. It’s a bad time, and what happens next probably won’t be as easy or simple as we hope. But things are getting better, and we are making things better, and the world that will be exists as potential in us so let’s wake up tomorrow and try again.

I can’t wait to see you all again.

S07E08: Appreciation post

I got my wish from the last time I wrote. I’ve had some really helpful critiques on behaviours and some good pointers on how to develop my leadership style. I’m going to recreate them here so I can come back to them in a year and work out if I’ve improved or not. I’ve also been thinking about saying ‘shit’ in church and doing a lot of talking.

Continue reading

S07E07: Performance review

Yes, that’s right. It’s time to ask for feedback, trying to phrase a request that starts out like this:

“I’m looking for your opinion on my strengths and, perhaps more importantly, my weaknesses areas for growth”

…and is iterated to

“Hurt me. Tell me you hate me. Tell me I’m terrible at my job. Please just give me some critical feedback, anything, because this parade of nothing but lovely compliments must be what Hell is like…

Continue reading

Weeknotes S07E05: Doing things

I have once again had a long week of writing and writing round. But I was also reminded of anarchistic principles for consensus-building and how they apply to all groups, actually, and that helped me remember that some people just don’t want things done.

Sometimes it’s not you.

(Although sometimes it definitely is, the trick is being able to tell which is which)

Continue reading

Weeknotes S07E04: Knowledge wants to be free

I’m writing a position paper for someone senior at the moment, and I’ve had a really good week with it. It feels like the best asynchronous working I’ve ever done – putting something out for folks to comment on and getting really considered, really thoughtful feedback. I’m not going to incorporate all of it – as I said last week, I do think that part of leading effectively is getting input and then making a decision, even if you know it’s not going to make everyone happy.

I got a blog published on Monday and the response has been really fantastically good – working in the open (on stuff that we can be open about) continues to be the absolute best way to improve uptake and sell the product. I have missed blogging officially, and this definitely feels good. I’ve also been working on an internal presentation for my boss and struggling to get his voice down – it’s a lot drier than mine, and a bit more serious. His style is also quite different to mine, and I’m really enjoying the challenge of trying to embody someone else. We shall see how it goes next week. All of it is reminding me that I enjoy, and am good at, writing. Also, this tweet from Kit –

– which I’ve been blushing about since Thursday but is a really nice reinforcement. I would like to ghostwrite, and if I can apply these talents to getting a book like this published, then I think that would be an almighty success. For myself (though I wonder if publicly volunteering to ghostwrite renders one more ghastly than ghostly) but also for everyone who needs it.

My mentee is going great guns. She’s brilliant, and I’m really enjoying the experience of being able to advise someone against the mistakes I’ve previously made. In this case, the question was whether to rewrite the entire codebase of a working, though badly-written, app. My answer was no: if it works, add tests so you can be sure it still works, and then start slicing it up. All models are wrong, but a good mental model of the code is easier to build if the code you’re modelling is smaller to start with. It’s why learning more about things is hard and simple caricatures are preferred (not preferable). A mental model of an elephant is easy; a mental model of a herd of elephants is easy; a mental model of 16 elephants and the interplay of the relationships, history, hierarchies and so on is a full-time job. Same with code. So we slice things up into classes, expose simple methods and attributes, and then we only deal with those things at the higher level of abstraction.

I’m still teaching math, and finding it as interesting as ever. Video calls are not my preferred method, and if this goes on much longer I’ll need to buy a whiteboard or a tablet and pen, but it’s still a really enjoyable way to spend an hour a week. I’ve got some knowledge, and knowledge wants to be free, and sharing that knowledge around seems to be the theme of this blog post and I’ve literally only just realised this as I wrote it, holy smokes.

Weeknoting is so damn good.

Weeknotes S07E02/Writing with Neil Gaiman, Chapter 2

Prompt:

Choose a folk tale or fairy tale that you know well.
Select one of the characters from the story for the following exercise and write a few pages about them, using one of the following prompts:

  • Pretend you’re a therapist treating the character. Write a scene in which you discuss the character’s life and problems, then arrive at a diagnosis.
  • Write a newspaper article describing the events of the story. For example, Snow White—Woman Hiding in Woods for Ten Years Found by Wealthy Hiker. Then write a story for that headline using journalistic objectivity.
  • Have your character explain their actions to a jury.

H is always on time to his session. Always. At 3 o’clock I open the door and there he stands. Once I opened the door at 2.59, just out of curiosity, just to see if he stood out there waiting. He wasn’t. I’d barely closed it before the clock chimed and the knock came on the door, always a heavy knock, a knock that seemed to knock inside me as well.

H was supposed to come for couples therapy. He does, sometimes: in the dead of winter he brings his wife. They’re an odd couple. She smells like – oh god, I can’t describe it. Like fresh grass. Sometimes like the oven as the bread comes out, and sometimes like the oven as you open the door and it roars heat into your eyes.

But today the sun was high up in the sky. The room I use for clients is at the top of my house, a three storey pile I inherited from some mad aunts. They took a floor each, and apparently they knew H. Sometimes it felt like they knew everyone. It’s a lot of building for one person, but the room at the top is generally light and airy – and the views are incredible. You can see all the way across Hyde Park, all the way to Buck House.

The clock chimed. I felt the knock in my bones, as usual, and crossed to the door to open it.

“Come on in,” I said, and motioned him inside. He came in, carrying with him a smell all of his own. It’s – I suppose the best way to describe it is ‘fungal’. It’s rich and dark and yet, for some reason, the image that comes to me is always a skull with a white mushroom blossoming in the socket.

I gesture at the seat, as usual. He takes off his flat cap, as usual, and scratches at his head.

“So.” I say. It’s always best to let the client go first, to follow where they lead.

“So.” He says. “Midsummer’s Eve today. Hot. Too hot.”

I agree. The sweat is already beading on my forehead, though Mr H doesn’t seem to be afflicted.

“No P today?”

“No. She’ll be out, enjoying the sunshine.” He stretched out his legs, and I heard a crackle from his knees. “Me, I’d rather she stayed home, but women – what are you going to do?”

He shoots me a look from under his bushy brows. They’re shot through with silver and cast his eyes into deep shadow. I keep as natural a posture as I can.

“Why would you rather she stayed at home, H?”

H leans forward. I resist the sudden urge to lean backwards, to get away from the maddening smell. “Because she’s my wife,” he says, as though explaining it to a child.

“Do you think she knows that?”

He holds my gaze for a second, and then looks down. He picks at the dirt under his nails. He’s a pit boss, apparently. I thought that would mean paperwork and management, but he still seems to get down in the dirt with everyone else. He told me at our first session that he preferred it that way – his two older brothers had both joined the military early on. Royal Air Force and Royal Navy respectively, I think, and now apparently at the very peak of their careers. H, though – he said he got enough joy out of doing the job to never really stop.

“Yeah, she knows it. We have an argument every Christmas about it.”

“About whose relatives to stay with?”

He snorts. “Yeah, that kind of thing. I don’t know. Whenever we’re together it’s great – it’s perfect – and I respect her job.” He opens his hands wide, the universal gesture for believe me, guv’nor. “And I know she has to travel about, bringing sunshine to the kiddies and so on. But I worry about – other men. She’s beautiful as anything, and when you’re so far from home, maybe temptation sets in?”

I give it a beat. Silence is a crowbar.

“And it’s not like I don’t trust her, of course I trust her – “

“That’s interesting,” I say. “Because it takes two, doesn’t it? Do you ever think she’d decide to cheat on you?”

He starts to say something, and then stops. “I can’t imagine it,” he says, slowly. “But there are other ways…”

“You mean rape.” I try to keep it as flat as possible.

The eyebrows bristle again, and the shadows deepen. I know he’s looking at me even though I can’t see his eyes. “Yes,” he bites out.

“I think that’s a normal fear,” I say. “The world is…unpleasant. Do you think your wife knows that it’s a possibility?”

This time the intonation is completely flat. “She knows it for a fact.”

“Because you’ve told her?”

H pauses longer than the answer deserves: “Yes.”

Fear uncoils itself in my belly.

“How did you meet?” I ask. I’m working overtime to keep the tremor out of my voice. The sweat on my forehead is not from the sunshine streaming in through the window any more.

“That has nothing to do with that.”

“With what?”

His shoulders, his fists, his knees are all facing me. The man is all right angles and hard lines.

“With – with how I feel.”

“What happened, H? How did you meet her?”

“It wasn’t – it wasn’t like that-“

His voice is so quiet, and yet I hear it still over the roaring blood in my ears and the sudden leaden weight in my bones. Somewhere a bell is chiming and it is too slow, it is not my clock but it is my bell, the bell that tolls at the end, the bell that sounds in the darkness at the end of the shift, the bell in the hand of the King of the Mine –

I gasp out a breath, suddenly, and suck in a mouthful of shorn grass and strawberries and the flat heat of the desert. The light is suddenly so bright that I can see the veins of my eyelids.

“Husband. Did you miss me?”

I breathe into my carpet. I can’t remember how I got here but I can hear, somewhere above, a conversation taking place.

“No, love. I was just worried about you.”

There is the sound of a kiss.

“Worry not. Not while the sun shines. I’ll be with you soon, husband. Go home. Look after those that need you.”

“I will. Come home to me soon, wife.”

The door opens. The door shuts. The sun goes back outside.

A bell – my bell – chimes softly, unobtrusively, to let my client know it’s time to finish. I hear the crackling of H’s joints as he stands.

“I’ll see you in a little while,” he says. As he steps past me I feel my bones press against my skin, as eager to jump into his hands as a puppy. “Thanks for your help today.”

The door opens. The door shuts. My bones, grumbling, go back to their work of holding me upright. I note today’s progress in H’s file and settle myself with a cup of tea.

Outside, the sun still shines. I think about it. Midsummer’s Eve is the longest night. After this, it all starts getting darker.

Writing with Neil Gaiman: exercise one

Brief:

To practice honesty in your writing, choose one of the following moments and write a few paragraphs in your journal about it. As you write, pay attention to your inner register about what you’re writing, noting the particular things that make you uneasy. Try to be a little “more honest than you’re comfortable with.” Remember that being brave doesn’t mean you’re not scared; it means you do it anyway.

  • A time when you were deeply embarrassed.
  • When you regret something you did.
  • The saddest moment of your life.
  • A secret you are afraid to talk about.

Take the work you wrote above and either read it aloud to someone you trust, or read it alone and pretend that you have an audience. Listen to the way you sound and pay attention to the sensations in your body as you’re reading the difficult moment. Consider what you’re afraid of being judged for, or afraid of saying out loud.

Write those things down.

Continue reading

Advent of Code: Day 13

This is going to be about software. Mostly.

There’s this thing – the advent of code. It’s a sequence of 25 puzzles to be solved with code. Some people do it in Python, some people Java, someone with aggressively self-flagellating tendencies is doing it in SQL and there’s a rumour of someone who’s done it purely with formulas in Excel. If that’s true then that person should be found and immediately restrained, for the good of all.

Continue reading