Today I got a diagnosis of Asperger’s Syndrome.
I also found out that the Asperger for whom it’s named collaborated with the Nazis, so now there’s a whole vista of discourse I’ve gotta read up on.
Alright. Let’s get stuck in.
[Asperger’s] is characterized by qualitative impairment in social interaction, by stereotyped and restricted patterns of behavior, activities, and interests, and by no clinically significant delay in cognitive development or general delay in language.Wikipedia
There will be a later blog detailing how my AS manifests that I’m going to try to point people towards. This one’s just for an immediate reaction.
So now I have a label that I can put on the cluster of behaviours that have frustrated me my entire life. This is helpful. It helps me feel less alone in the world because having language to describe something means there are other people who want to talk about the shared experience.
It is also a resetting of my expectations. It is a relief because there are some things I’ve always beaten myself up for. Things I’ve had to learn, and been ashamed to have had to learn, because other people just grokked it and I was always on the outside looking in.
I want to explore the boundaries of that; to discover whether these are hard limits imposed by my brain or soft limits that I can break through. Is my brain still soft enough that I can, by performing certain behaviours, build new paths in my mind?
Can I learn how to convey affection the way neurotypical people expect it?
Should I do that? Should I try to learn behaviours to help me “pass” in neurotypical society, or should I expect more from the world?
Shouldn’t I expect the person/people who loves me to understand that this is the way I am – or is that just me asking them to do extra work?
Maybe there’s compromise in both directions.
Let’s see how we go from here.
November is National Blog Posting Month, or NaBloPoMo. I’ll be endeavouring to write one blog post per day in the month of November 2019 – some short and sweet, others long and boring.