NaBloPoMo #18

Day +4 of my Asperger’s diagnosis

I have a lot of complex feelings about this new label I’ve got. I’ve noticed that I’m very strongly now pushing back on things that would previously have caused me anxiety, using the diagnosis as a shield. I’m interested that I only feel empowered to express myself when I have something to hide behind, or like…a reason that’s beyond just expressing what I want?

Oooof. That doesn’t sound good when I write it out like that, does it.

Still, on the plus side at least now I’m expressing those things. I effectively pushed back on someone not being clear when they communicated with me and I circulated some pointers on how best to work with me and my brain. And I felt good about that, because it’s in service to the team, rather than – oh boy – rather than just expressing what I want.

I’m just going to keep running into this, aren’t I?

I don’t know if this is generalisable, but I’d love to hear from people whether they’ve found that having an argument from authority to hide behind helps them assert themselves.[mfn]The immediate thought that comes to my mind is: women who say they have a boyfriend to dissuade men from pursuing them, even when it’s false. Is that an argument from authority? Do we really think other, non-present men are more of an authority than women?[/mfn]

I’m also interested to find out how much…permission, I suppose, it gives me to relax the amount of extra work I’ve been doing to effectively mask atypical behaviours. I also don’t want to swing too much the other way. For example, if people are typing while I’m trying to listen to voices my brain flips out. I can’t do both. I don’t imagine I’m the only one, so rather than doing what feels natural – asking everyone to stop typing at once – I could scoot closer to the speaker, or maybe move to a different room and dial in as well. Perhaps in an ideal world people wouldn’t answer emails in meetings, but we don’t live in an ideal world and I still have to move through it without ruining all my professional relationships.

We’ll see how this unfolds. If nothing else, I think I’ve stumbled on something quite interesting about myself.

November is National Blog Posting Month, or NaBloPoMo. I’ll be endeavouring to write one blog post per day in the month of November 2019 – some short and sweet, others long and boring.

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