Trying to find my groove
This week has felt long. January is a month that is infinitely long, while the last week of that month is itself infinite.⁰
I have done a few things this week, but all of them feel fretful. I am still struggling to find my space, and I’m starting to get frustrated with myself at my inability to settle into a thing and just do it. Maybe I’ve not found the right fit. Or maybe I’m just incapable of doing one thing for any duration.
On that cheery note: here is the week that was:
On Monday I caught up with a mentee. She’s coming off a coding bootcamp and is trying to work out what she wants to do next. I’m still trying to find the right balance with mentoring between giving advice and letting mentees work out their own path. I think I leaned too heavily in the latter direction and may have come across as sharp or stand-offish by repeating her questions back to her. I feel like I need a mentor in mentoring. A grand-mentor?
I also offered to use my connections to try to secure shadowing. I think this is the right thing, but I’m also anxious about it because it privileges her above other (equally deserving) individuals. On the other hand, my wider organisation could do with more people from her background, so…
Look, Monday was essentially a mess of me wondering whether I was doing the right thing.
All the way through this week I’ve been doing Russian homework during my lunch. I’ve needed to do this because I’m a massive keener who’s taken a homework that involves writing about 50 words and turned it into two pages of both printed and cursive writing. I’ve also started watching Trotsky on Netflix, a Russian-made biopic of the revolutionary. It pulls no punches as to the homophobia, misogyny, and anti-Semitism rife in Russia at the time.
I’m concerned I’ve overstretched myself on this: it smacks of “ooh! Shiny! New!” enthusiasm that I fear will fade over time. I’m slightly buoyed that my Duolingo streak is at 70 days: maybe it’s not just a flash in the pan. Maybe.
I was supposed to go and mentor on Wednesday, or go to the leaving drinks of Kit Collingwood. Instead I found myself spoon-less by the end of the day and crashed home. I’ve noticed a massive dip in my energy levels recently: is it something to do with the weather? Am I not eating enough fruit and veg?¹
Still, it gave me an opportunity to make a butt-load of spicy carrot and lentil soup. It’s my favourite reviver in weather like this: warming, thick, and enough spice to make your tongue and nostrils tingle without being painful. Paired with thick bread and a thick book — this week it’s Ha Joon Chang’s Economics: The User’s Guide — it’s a corpse reviver.²
Thursday was a day that was half running around and half sitting down and doing thoughtful programming, and really hit the sweet spot of things I like doing. In the morning I ran over to Whitehall to talk to other unsuccessful Future Leaders Scheme candidates about what we could do to advance our learning and development before the next application window opens later this year. We didn’t get much insight into the process or scoring system, which is a shame: I am continually banging on about openness because it makes things better. I still offered to help in any way I can, and made a few valuable contacts. My organisation covers so much that the opportunity to go and shadow someone doing something wildly different — whether that’s the Privy Council or the Queen’s Honours list — seems like too good an opportunity to pass up.
In the afternoon I sat down with my senior dev and paired for a solid hour and a half on a new-ish feature. It’s really enjoyable because she’s a really good pair: thoughtful, patient, and doesn’t obviously flinch when I ask questions that I then answer myself almost before I’ve finished asking them.³
Friday was a full day of training. I bumped into some old Fast Stream colleagues and talked to them about my eternal, unchanging bugbear and my plans to stop whining about it and turn it into a scoped piece of work for a corporate objective. They agreed this would be a good idea.⁴ So I’m going to write that up over February and start shopping it round and see if I can get a little team of volunteers on it.
The training itself was interesting: it was an introduction to Service Design. I’m personally very nervous about tech architects and service designers, because in my experience they tend to want to architect and design. Agile development doesn’t fit easily with this approach, but I think perhaps I’m still struggling to see the bigger picture. I’m also probably being hyper sensitive. There is value to seeing the bigger picture: where your little transactional service fits into massive, wider user journeys. I’m just…I’m not yet convinced that you can design that journey up-front.
Now it’s the weekend. I had an extremely good date last night, and I’ve got a few hours before I go to Russian class and am crowned “Hideous teacher’s pet”. So I’m off to have breakfast with good coffee and even better company.
And look — it’s February. We made it. Well done team.
⁰ For more on infinities that contain infinities, I recommend you start with Hilbert’s Infinite Hotel
¹ I am almost certainly not eating enough fruit and veg
² In actual fact, a corpse reviver is a cocktail that combines gin, absinthe, chartreuse, lemon and Lillet Blanc. It’s said that one will revive a corpse; another three will un-revive it.
³ “But how would I add this permission to — oh, yeah, I think I’d do that”
⁴ Hang on, I should have asked which bit they felt would be a good idea.