Groping towards the light
I got this comment on last week’s post:
And I want to assure you it’s only because I have a constant hovering sense of not being good enough and a crushing fear that people will find out. Every new person who approaches me to suggest I do a thing increases that anxiety, even as I recognise that I’m still upright. I’m starting, slowly, to recognise that I can surf the wave or walk the tightrope or whatever metaphor works best for you. That doesn’t take away the fear, but I’m finding better ways of co-existing with it.
That’s my secret, Cap. I’m always scared.
These weeknotes started out as a giant mess of words and then, like staring at one of those magic eye pictures, came into focus as a single theme with stories to support it. It’s freaked me out a bit to be honest.
This week began — as it always does — with me trying to corral my team into prioritising a bunch of work. It’s a little delivery manager and a little product manager, but since I have neither of those roles in my job title I’m soft skilling the heck out of it. It was easier this week than it’s been before; I think it’s because I’ve been enforcing the format for a couple of weeks and it’s starting to bed in. At the end of the day I had an initial meeting with a new mentor, who posed some hard questions to me. He understands a lot of my frustrations and he’s helping me to be patient where I would otherwise be impetuous. This is Good. He also holds strong opinions about military structures in the Star Wars universe, and this is Also Good. With his help I’m going to look at rounding out my technical skills with some projects in my wider organisation, and we looked at some that seemed interesting.
Tuesday was a weird long day: I did some volunteering in the morning and that sort of wrote off the entire day, as I tried to recover from the emotional black hole that speaking to kids opens inside me. Volunteering is supposed to help you learn things, and in fact I learned three new things:
- teenagers in a group are sullen and bored and disinterested and talking to them is like pulling teeth. From a whale. With soapy gloves.
- teenagers on their own, hanging around while the rest of the class files out, definitely not queueing up to talk to you but just, like, hanging out in a vaguely ordered curve, yeah: they’re incredible. They absolutely sparkle. They’ve got brilliant questions and probing follow-ups and make you wish they’d asked the question in front of the rest of the class so everyone could have benefited from it. Fuck me, I hate that enthusiasm is uncool.
- being escorted around by a teacher I still felt a bit nervous and like I’d got in trouble. I’m almost thirty years old.⁰
In the evening I had dinner and a chat with a mentee.¹ She is going to be giving a talk that’s kind of in my (undergraduate) area, so I’m doing my best to coach her in speech-giving and argument-forming.² I’m more comfortable with this mentee, and as I write I’m trying to figure out why. I think part of it is that we discussed it formally in the beginning and had some ground rules; we know what we’re aiming for and how we’re approaching it. Maybe I just like structure.³ It’s also politics, economics, and arguing: areas I know reasonably well.⁴ It meant I missed the weeknotes meetup though, which is a shame. Next time.
I am (still) completely in love with writing code. I track my time, and on Thursday I spent 7 hours (with some breaks) on trying to figure out why an innocent upgrade was causing massive, things-on-fire test breakage.
I should explain — so that a handsome, rugged, naif young coder doesn’t go releasing massive changes to the production environment and breaking everything for everyone everywhere, a whole suite of tests runs against any change I — sorry, he — makes. They take about ten minutes and run through a few hundred scenarios a user might actually carry out. In my case, the phantom user was pretty hacked off as the system kept logging her out.
That was my cue to start pulling my hair out and diving three or four layers deep to try to get to the bottom of the problem.
The problem turned out to be nothing I’d done (hurrah!) and in fact something someone else had done for reasons known only to themselves, god, and people with toys they want to connect to the internet.
Still, thanks to my senior I scratched out a 6 (sorry Sam) Point Plan to solve it and then went immediately on a date. I don’t think that I could have done it with a senior to guide me, so I’m really grateful I’m working somewhere where I can learn from people much cleverer than me.
I think these have been the best weeknotes I’ve ever done. Not for you, the reader — I expect you’re bored silly. But as a reflective practice I think they’ve helped me work out the solution to something I’ve been struggling with all week.
Go weeknotes. You rock.
⁰ Oh god
¹ fuck, maybe I do do to much
² I can practically hear the eye rolls of people who know and love me
³ Maybe we all just like structure, apart from my slightly scary friend who’s convinced purging all laws every ten years would do wonders for society
⁴ As opposed to “how to get a career in tech”, an area I know literally fuck all about having faked my way into it in a big way. I’m making a good go of it, but seriously — 2 Bs and a C at A-level and a 6-year long slog at an undergraduate degree in French doesn’t scream “tech sector career”.